Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Just me ranting

I had the goal to weigh 159 by my birthday, and i did.  Now that the celebrating is over I am back up to 160.  You are probably thinking well it's only one pound that's not bad.  To me it is.  I was one of those people that was always picked on in school.  In jr high some kids would walk behind me and oink like a pig.  I was called a devil worshiper and a freak.  I didn't think I was different or over weight but I guess they had other ideas about me.  I was somewhat quiet and smart and Mormon.  I would be picked on so much some days I would ask to go to the bathroom and I would make sure I was alone and cry, wash my face, then go back to class.  In 8th grade too throw into the mix some one decided to call me gay and that was pretty much it for my self esteem.  Its funny because i wanted so bad to play sports or try out for cheerleading or even to have the confidence to make more friends.  But I was so scared of being pick on about something else.  I wanted to be involved but never was.  You bring that stuff with you when you are older.  I don't like to be in pictures because I had worked so hard to loose weight and now with Sophia I gained it all back.  I don't want to feel like that little jr high kid crying in the bathroom, but I do.  Thats life.  I watch what I eat and excersize and can't loose one tiny lb.  I just want to feel as confident in my looks as I am in my other talents.  I am trying to become the person I wanted to be all along. I don't want to be a wall flower anymore.  Let me tell you it has been a long journey and its no where close to being over.

1 comment:

Kristi said...

I know you don't really know me...at...all...and I know what I say really won't change anything. I just want to tell you that you are beautiful and amazing. Your body conceived, nourished, gave birth to and continues to nourish two beautiful little girls! It's amazing.

So here I go, I am 5'5" and I weigh 150. When I exercised for a year and a half before I got pregnant, I weighed 150 the whole time. Got up to 185 while pregnant. Luckily I am back to 150. I wear a size 10 pants size and I am pushing the 12/14 skirt size. So! I had a baby! You have had TWO! Your body did THAT? Amazing! Beautiful!